1 00:00:00,810 --> 00:00:01,867 Oh, geez... 2 00:00:04,027 --> 00:00:05,613 Hey, can one of you boys give me a hand? 3 00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:06,640 What do you need? 4 00:00:06,721 --> 00:00:07,854 Just hold this steady. 5 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:09,522 Thanks, Malcolm. 6 00:00:09,555 --> 00:00:10,585 I'm glad it's you. 7 00:00:11,025 --> 00:00:13,521 Whenever Reese helps, he always seems to hurt himself. 8 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:23,000 Malcolm in the Middle - 6.22 - Mrs. Tri-County Synchronisation par Dingo & Tyno, Forom.com & Malcolm-France.com 9 00:00:24,394 --> 00:00:25,657 Wait, wait, how about this? 10 00:00:25,770 --> 00:00:28,378 "Mother's wonderful, quiet dignity." 11 00:00:28,572 --> 00:00:31,293 No, her "sensitive, quiet dignity." 12 00:00:32,954 --> 00:00:33,963 What are you guys doing? 13 00:00:34,028 --> 00:00:36,678 We were at the mall and they had these entry forms 14 00:00:36,814 --> 00:00:39,016 for the Mrs. Tri-County contest. 15 00:00:39,146 --> 00:00:40,133 Look at these questions. 16 00:00:40,231 --> 00:00:42,962 "How does your mother bring joy into your life?" 17 00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:46,153 How about the time she shaved the word "liar" into my head? 18 00:00:46,763 --> 00:00:50,849 "She always finds time to dote on our personal appearance." 19 00:00:52,810 --> 00:00:53,655 What's so funny? 20 00:00:56,492 --> 00:00:59,533 Reese saw a Japanese guy on the Internet puke into an electric fan. 21 00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:02,083 They are ahead of us in so many ways. 22 00:01:08,790 --> 00:01:10,976 All right, how bad is it? 23 00:01:11,025 --> 00:01:12,947 Nothing past second notice so far. 24 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:16,751 What's that? 25 00:01:17,197 --> 00:01:20,895 Apparently I've been entered into the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant. 26 00:01:21,445 --> 00:01:21,882 What? 27 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,787 The boys entered me in this pageant. 28 00:01:26,026 --> 00:01:28,261 "...lucky to have her in our lives." 29 00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:30,366 "Too special to be kept a secret..." 30 00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:33,281 "She suffers in silence..."? 31 00:01:33,412 --> 00:01:34,539 Oh, can you believe this? 32 00:01:34,621 --> 00:01:36,206 I know. They do all these horrible things 33 00:01:36,253 --> 00:01:38,167 and then they go and do something like this. 34 00:01:40,781 --> 00:01:43,705 Yes, well, they're good boys. 35 00:01:44,057 --> 00:01:46,464 God, I think of suffering through all those pageants 36 00:01:46,547 --> 00:01:48,354 slaving for my sister all those years. 37 00:01:48,601 --> 00:01:50,048 Susan was always the big star, 38 00:01:50,060 --> 00:01:51,950 and I was her invisible little troll. 39 00:01:52,291 --> 00:01:55,060 Carrying her gowns for Queen of Harvest Festival, 40 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,751 ironing her sash for Miss Mammogram. 41 00:01:57,856 --> 00:02:00,815 Well, no one ever appreciates the star maker, Lois. 42 00:02:00,862 --> 00:02:02,835 Once I was hemming her dress for Dairy Princess 43 00:02:02,870 --> 00:02:05,546 and a photographer stood on my back to take her picture. 44 00:02:06,415 --> 00:02:08,270 Bastards wouldn't know a Dairy Princess 45 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:09,994 if it came up and bit them on the ass. 46 00:02:11,546 --> 00:02:14,528 Boy, it would really show her if I entered this pageant. 47 00:02:16,477 --> 00:02:16,818 What? 48 00:02:17,393 --> 00:02:19,659 Well, it wouldn't hurt to go down there and see what it's all about. 49 00:02:21,996 --> 00:02:23,463 Great. Let's do it. 50 00:02:24,706 --> 00:02:26,655 You little monsters! 51 00:02:26,702 --> 00:02:28,193 You have really done it this time! 52 00:02:28,264 --> 00:02:29,352 Dad, it was a joke. 53 00:02:29,391 --> 00:02:31,159 I didn't know Reese was going to mail the stupid thing. 54 00:02:31,211 --> 00:02:32,342 We were just goofing around. 55 00:02:32,608 --> 00:02:34,298 I can't believe she took it seriously. 56 00:02:34,335 --> 00:02:35,180 You're right, Dewey. 57 00:02:35,415 --> 00:02:38,115 Your mother actually believes her sons love her. 58 00:02:38,139 --> 00:02:39,806 What a moron. 59 00:02:40,511 --> 00:02:41,004 I've got it. 60 00:02:41,051 --> 00:02:44,071 Why don't you just blindfold your mother and throw her down some stairs?! 61 00:02:44,118 --> 00:02:45,099 That'd be fun! 62 00:02:46,395 --> 00:02:48,262 -We're sorry. -Yeah. 63 00:02:48,309 --> 00:02:49,956 Well, it's too late for sorry. 64 00:02:50,071 --> 00:02:51,174 Here's what's going to happen. 65 00:02:51,186 --> 00:02:53,859 We are all going down to the Civic Center as a family, 66 00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:55,585 and you boys are going to do everything in your power 67 00:02:55,596 --> 00:02:58,332 to make sure this is the most unhumiliating night 68 00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,260 of your mother's life. 69 00:03:03,123 --> 00:03:04,779 This is a big deal. 70 00:03:05,190 --> 00:03:07,691 I have to be honest, I'm feeling kind of nervous here. 71 00:03:07,879 --> 00:03:10,890 You don't pay mileage, I had to park in the structure, 72 00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:12,537 and you call this a gift bag? 73 00:03:12,869 --> 00:03:14,794 I saw two judges with the mini-lipstick set 74 00:03:14,853 --> 00:03:16,614 and the lemon scented moisturizer. 75 00:03:17,154 --> 00:03:18,446 Mr. Herkabe, what are you doing here? 76 00:03:18,528 --> 00:03:19,831 I happen to be one of the judges. 77 00:03:20,077 --> 00:03:21,627 What, may I ask, are you doing here? 78 00:03:22,778 --> 00:03:24,011 You know, curiosity. 79 00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:26,195 It's kind of a sociologically interesting... 80 00:03:26,242 --> 00:03:28,274 My God, your mother's in the pageant. 81 00:03:29,388 --> 00:03:30,621 Well, technically. 82 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:33,779 And I happen to have certain powers 83 00:03:33,826 --> 00:03:35,564 that might influence that outcome. 84 00:03:35,611 --> 00:03:36,287 Isn't that interesting? 85 00:03:36,745 --> 00:03:37,121 What? 86 00:03:37,355 --> 00:03:38,541 I just think that's really interesting. 87 00:03:38,565 --> 00:03:39,880 Don't you find it interesting? 88 00:03:40,796 --> 00:03:41,864 Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to. 89 00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:43,038 I'm sorry, sir. 90 00:03:43,062 --> 00:03:44,729 They were out of the moisturizer, but I found these. 91 00:03:44,788 --> 00:03:47,808 Fine. I'll take the smoked almonds, the loofah glove... 92 00:03:47,914 --> 00:03:49,205 Oh, just give me the whole box. 93 00:03:54,571 --> 00:03:55,781 All right, ladies, sign in. 94 00:03:55,828 --> 00:03:57,569 You'll get your schedules, your parking permits, 95 00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,049 and your dressing area assignments. 96 00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:02,606 Also, make sure that you get back here by 3:00 sharp 97 00:04:02,689 --> 00:04:05,096 for a group photo with the state's largest pumpkin. 98 00:04:08,555 --> 00:04:10,410 Look at all these old broads trying to look hot. 99 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,336 I mean, don't know they know we're done with them? 100 00:04:13,815 --> 00:04:16,610 Donna? Donna, is that you? 101 00:04:16,868 --> 00:04:17,983 Lois! 102 00:04:18,053 --> 00:04:21,187 I haven't seen you since Miss Teen Gas and Power. 103 00:04:21,306 --> 00:04:22,765 What a memory you have. 104 00:04:23,091 --> 00:04:24,394 Was that the time when the judges 105 00:04:24,453 --> 00:04:26,261 carried me around on their shoulders? 106 00:04:27,564 --> 00:04:29,138 Darlene, Jeanie, Anne. 107 00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:30,123 Look who's here. 108 00:04:30,947 --> 00:04:31,699 Look at all of you. 109 00:04:31,734 --> 00:04:33,308 I can't believe you're still doing pageants. 110 00:04:33,378 --> 00:04:35,066 Well, I actually quit a few years back. 111 00:04:35,128 --> 00:04:37,001 It was time to get to know my kids a little better. 112 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:40,232 But then September 11th happened, and... 113 00:04:40,891 --> 00:04:42,264 We just can't let them win. 114 00:04:43,532 --> 00:04:44,601 So where's your sister? 115 00:04:45,106 --> 00:04:46,173 Susan isn't here. 116 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:47,758 I'm entering this myself. 117 00:04:52,221 --> 00:04:54,147 I love stuff like that. 118 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:55,779 Don't feel bad. 119 00:04:55,978 --> 00:04:57,481 The rest of us don't have a chance either. 120 00:04:57,552 --> 00:05:00,112 Donna somehow got Nina Perucci to coach her. 121 00:05:01,204 --> 00:05:02,088 Nina Perucci. 122 00:05:02,182 --> 00:05:03,370 How did you manage that? 123 00:05:03,556 --> 00:05:06,115 Well, Max got a nice bonus for Christmas, 124 00:05:06,397 --> 00:05:07,888 and let's just say I had 125 00:05:07,947 --> 00:05:10,424 a yeast infection until he wrote the check. 126 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:13,878 Is that your chin? 127 00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:14,470 No, Nina. 128 00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:15,362 Is that your smile? 129 00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:15,891 No, Nina. 130 00:05:15,938 --> 00:05:16,983 Is that your bust? 131 00:05:17,053 --> 00:05:17,675 No, Nina. 132 00:05:20,434 --> 00:05:21,268 She's amazing. 133 00:05:21,303 --> 00:05:23,334 She pioneered the use of backstage laxatives. 134 00:05:24,849 --> 00:05:26,725 Lois, if we don't sign up right now, 135 00:05:26,819 --> 00:05:28,592 we're going to get a dressing area without a hook. 136 00:05:28,732 --> 00:05:29,684 Is that what you want? 137 00:05:30,599 --> 00:05:31,210 Bye. 138 00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:35,237 Well, I think we know who's winning Mrs. Deluded. 139 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,568 Donna... 140 00:05:40,001 --> 00:05:42,514 I didn't think it was possible, but the Mrs. 141 00:05:42,561 --> 00:05:44,662 Tri-County Pageant is about to get even uglier. 142 00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:49,362 I made the appointment for your facial tomorrow. 143 00:05:49,776 --> 00:05:51,056 I don't want to pick out jewelry 144 00:05:51,162 --> 00:05:52,395 until after we choose the gown. 145 00:05:52,465 --> 00:05:56,577 Now, the red one is nice, it's tasteful and really sets off your hair. 146 00:05:56,626 --> 00:05:58,329 But the blue one has a nicer drape 147 00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,532 and you cannot beat its "wow" factor. 148 00:06:01,722 --> 00:06:02,215 You know what? 149 00:06:02,238 --> 00:06:03,272 Let me worry about that. 150 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,033 You can concentrate on your talent. 151 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:06,325 I don't know, Hal. 152 00:06:06,771 --> 00:06:08,685 I'm not even sure you can call it a talent. 153 00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,235 What are you talking about? 154 00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:11,599 It is going to be great. 155 00:06:11,679 --> 00:06:14,591 That's why I blocked out the next three hours for you to work with Dewey. 156 00:06:14,779 --> 00:06:15,906 Dad, I have homework. 157 00:06:15,989 --> 00:06:18,230 Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from. 158 00:06:19,822 --> 00:06:22,347 Okay, ladies, I know you've all done it 159 00:06:22,417 --> 00:06:25,716 a million times before, but let's just walk through it once anyway. 160 00:06:25,799 --> 00:06:28,027 Blue line ladies, cross over the red mark. 161 00:06:28,147 --> 00:06:29,958 Green line, cross over the yellow mark. 162 00:06:30,268 --> 00:06:32,159 Blue line, stop at the orange mark, 163 00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:33,898 step left and cross to the green line. 164 00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:35,575 Green line, stop to the black mark, 165 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:36,632 step right and cross to the... 166 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:38,915 green line. 167 00:06:39,344 --> 00:06:41,241 Malcolm, I need you to do a job for me. 168 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:41,664 It's urgent. 169 00:06:41,793 --> 00:06:45,317 I've been exchanging some very meaningful glances with one of the contestants. 170 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,564 You know they're all married, don't you? 171 00:06:48,486 --> 00:06:49,672 Yes, of course. 172 00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:52,394 And that's why it would be indecent of me not to be discrete. 173 00:06:52,922 --> 00:06:53,638 Darlene Fisher. 174 00:06:53,979 --> 00:06:54,871 Green sweat suit. 175 00:06:56,844 --> 00:06:58,273 I need you to pass her this note for me. 176 00:06:58,382 --> 00:07:00,304 You want me to find out if she likes you? 177 00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:01,169 Forget it. 178 00:07:01,475 --> 00:07:02,461 I respect your stand, 179 00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:03,482 Malcolm, and I want you to know 180 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,030 this will in no way affect my judging of your mother. 181 00:07:07,005 --> 00:07:07,686 Or will it? 182 00:07:19,053 --> 00:07:19,804 Okay, you're next. 183 00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,589 Now, no matter what question they ask you, 184 00:07:21,621 --> 00:07:23,507 remember to use your key phrases: 185 00:07:23,571 --> 00:07:26,952 "empowering women, the beauty within, helping those in need." 186 00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:30,558 And don't forget, end with "May God bless America." 187 00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:32,732 Right, right, and when do I say the stuff about world peace? 188 00:07:32,789 --> 00:07:33,658 No, no, no, no, no, 189 00:07:33,716 --> 00:07:34,362 we got rid of that. 190 00:07:34,691 --> 00:07:36,541 You don't want to come off like a liberal nut case. 191 00:07:37,086 --> 00:07:41,642 Yes, I am a mother, but I also have to remember that I'm a woman. 192 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:47,466 A woman who's not afraid to give because it feels so good. 193 00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:50,878 Thank you. 194 00:07:58,343 --> 00:07:59,174 Okay, Lois... 195 00:07:59,728 --> 00:08:01,055 here's your question if you're ready. 196 00:08:02,178 --> 00:08:05,748 "How has motherhood kept you young?" 197 00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:15,719 I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the question. 198 00:08:18,737 --> 00:08:20,111 Motherhood definitely does a lot of things, 199 00:08:20,157 --> 00:08:22,471 but the one thing it does not do is keep you young. 200 00:08:22,741 --> 00:08:23,561 Oh, my God, 201 00:08:23,596 --> 00:08:25,087 it ages you horribly. 202 00:08:25,909 --> 00:08:29,725 Youth is about having choices, but once you're a mother, you have no choices. 203 00:08:29,737 --> 00:08:31,709 You're stuck loving your children. 204 00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,612 You get gray hair loving them. 205 00:08:33,741 --> 00:08:35,095 You lose sleep loving them. 206 00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,716 You lose out on all those other things 207 00:08:36,739 --> 00:08:37,972 that you always thought you'd do. 208 00:08:38,864 --> 00:08:40,121 But even with all of that, 209 00:08:40,238 --> 00:08:41,565 the amazing thing is, 210 00:08:42,657 --> 00:08:43,622 you're okay with it. 211 00:08:43,655 --> 00:08:47,507 It's like some wonderful... curse. 212 00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:00,485 That was amazing. 213 00:09:00,533 --> 00:09:03,234 I don't know where you came up with that crap, but you nailed it. 214 00:09:11,650 --> 00:09:13,206 Okay, Donna, here we go. 215 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:17,077 "What aspect of being a woman do you find most fulfilling?" 216 00:09:17,838 --> 00:09:19,985 What kind of stupid question is that? 217 00:09:21,255 --> 00:09:22,046 Excuse me? 218 00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:24,930 I don't mean that you're stupid. 219 00:09:24,977 --> 00:09:26,621 I... the question is... 220 00:09:26,715 --> 00:09:27,361 I mean... 221 00:09:29,346 --> 00:09:30,362 I'm not fulfilled. 222 00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:32,412 It's awful being a woman, right? 223 00:09:33,010 --> 00:09:33,385 Right? 224 00:09:33,796 --> 00:09:35,347 I'm cursed with children, too. 225 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:36,887 I never wanted to have kids. 226 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:37,871 I just wanted to... 227 00:09:38,916 --> 00:09:43,422 But I do... love America. 228 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:46,421 How 'bout our country, huh? 229 00:09:52,193 --> 00:09:53,250 Did you see that? 230 00:09:53,308 --> 00:09:55,011 She went up like the Hindenberg. 231 00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:56,714 Wow, I guess I'm really doing okay. 232 00:09:56,737 --> 00:09:59,144 So are you going to keep wasting time high-fiving yourself, 233 00:09:59,273 --> 00:10:00,858 or are we going to get back to work? 234 00:10:06,055 --> 00:10:08,173 Okay, honey, that was pretty good. 235 00:10:08,427 --> 00:10:10,411 Unfortunately, there are three counties 236 00:10:10,529 --> 00:10:12,162 full of women who are "pretty good." 237 00:10:12,619 --> 00:10:13,382 We need a winner. 238 00:10:13,477 --> 00:10:14,721 I think this would be going so much better 239 00:10:14,756 --> 00:10:17,751 if I could sing or dance or play a musical instrument. 240 00:10:17,856 --> 00:10:18,643 We'll get to you, Lois. 241 00:10:18,678 --> 00:10:20,017 Right now Dewey's our problem. 242 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,877 Now, son, I don't know anything about music, 243 00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,410 but this is how you should be playing it. 244 00:10:23,491 --> 00:10:24,770 Now, in the middle part, you're doing 245 00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:27,518 And I want to hear more of... 246 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,322 That's never gonna happen. 247 00:10:32,543 --> 00:10:34,446 You know, I really don't need this from you right now. 248 00:10:34,704 --> 00:10:37,031 We've got one day to get the dress ready, 249 00:10:37,109 --> 00:10:38,987 our shoes aren't dyed and we have no idea 250 00:10:39,093 --> 00:10:40,608 where we're going with our hair! 251 00:10:40,643 --> 00:10:41,747 Hal, calm down. 252 00:10:41,782 --> 00:10:43,062 What's happening? 253 00:10:43,414 --> 00:10:45,258 I thought this was supposed to be fun. 254 00:10:45,929 --> 00:10:46,493 It is. See? 255 00:10:50,144 --> 00:10:51,715 Mom had better win this thing. 256 00:10:51,835 --> 00:10:53,714 I'm getting to know way too much about Herkabe's love life. 257 00:10:53,937 --> 00:10:54,771 You got anything yet? 258 00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,039 This judges' manual is unbelievable. 259 00:10:56,062 --> 00:10:58,138 It's over 200 pages of these really specific rules 260 00:10:58,161 --> 00:10:59,481 on what's attractive and what isn't. 261 00:10:59,829 --> 00:11:01,530 There's a whole page on ankle symmetry. 262 00:11:02,435 --> 00:11:03,437 And you know what I learned? 263 00:11:03,551 --> 00:11:03,927 What? 264 00:11:04,702 --> 00:11:05,570 I'm beautiful. 265 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:06,956 What are you talking about? 266 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,891 Everything on my face is the absolute standard of perfection. 267 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:13,190 My lips are exactly twice the length of the distance between my eyes. 268 00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:15,075 My philtrum is gracefully tapered. 269 00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,746 My earlobe is the perfect 1.4 centimeters. 270 00:11:18,016 --> 00:11:19,222 And it just goes on and on. 271 00:11:20,269 --> 00:11:21,464 You can measure me if you don't believe it. 272 00:11:21,655 --> 00:11:22,942 Are you going to help Mom or not? 273 00:11:24,015 --> 00:11:25,344 I understand your anger, Malcolm. 274 00:11:26,035 --> 00:11:28,195 Unattractive people can become very threatened by this. 275 00:11:29,193 --> 00:11:30,960 It's probably why I have so few friends. 276 00:11:36,865 --> 00:11:37,275 Malcolm! 277 00:11:37,675 --> 00:11:38,320 I need a favor. 278 00:11:38,367 --> 00:11:39,765 I already did you a favor with Darlene. 279 00:11:39,812 --> 00:11:41,263 Which worked out spectacularly. 280 00:11:41,298 --> 00:11:41,991 And athletically. 281 00:11:42,390 --> 00:11:43,435 And repeatedly. 282 00:11:43,858 --> 00:11:44,680 What else do you want? 283 00:11:44,832 --> 00:11:45,989 I need you to break up with her. 284 00:11:46,042 --> 00:11:46,359 What? 285 00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:48,683 She's gotten so clingy and dependent. 286 00:11:48,730 --> 00:11:49,809 She's suffocating me. 287 00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:51,749 Feel free to judge me, 288 00:11:51,782 --> 00:11:52,979 but remember who's judging your mother. 289 00:11:54,025 --> 00:11:54,682 Give her this note. 290 00:11:55,093 --> 00:11:56,525 At first I toyed with the idea 291 00:11:56,561 --> 00:11:57,774 of lying to her, but then I decided 292 00:11:57,821 --> 00:11:59,676 to tell her honestly I find her repellent. 293 00:12:00,193 --> 00:12:01,132 It's better to be classy. 294 00:12:02,882 --> 00:12:04,913 Malcolm! Find your brother and get back here. 295 00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:06,522 The judges need to see all of us 296 00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,118 gazing adoringly up at your mother. 297 00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:10,322 Those Hendersons are making us look like chimps. 298 00:12:11,977 --> 00:12:12,940 His smile is fading. 299 00:12:12,987 --> 00:12:13,903 Give him another hit. 300 00:12:23,729 --> 00:12:24,903 I don't know how you do this. 301 00:12:24,962 --> 00:12:27,193 I've never felt such butterflies in my entire life. 302 00:12:27,299 --> 00:12:28,449 Good luck, everybody. 303 00:12:33,075 --> 00:12:35,177 Your mascara is clumping! 304 00:12:35,283 --> 00:12:36,962 What did I tell you about blinking?! 305 00:12:40,613 --> 00:12:41,493 What is it?! 306 00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:45,980 I know. 307 00:12:47,014 --> 00:12:48,094 Ladies and gentlemen, 308 00:12:48,188 --> 00:12:50,409 welcome to the Miss Tri-County Pageant. 309 00:12:50,489 --> 00:12:55,104 Here's your host, Channel Two's acclaimed meteorologist, Dr. Dave Nelson. 310 00:12:56,489 --> 00:13:00,369 Hey there, Mrs. Tri-County. 311 00:13:00,393 --> 00:13:05,665 A lady from head to toe... 312 00:13:06,205 --> 00:13:10,884 A nurse, a maid, a teacher and a hottie... 313 00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:17,753 All wrapped up in a bow It's time to sparkle 314 00:13:17,847 --> 00:13:21,055 and start the show So come on, take a bow... 315 00:13:21,566 --> 00:13:24,290 America needs you like never before 316 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,895 and "mom" is just an upside down "wow!" 317 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:35,984 I lost a pin? 318 00:13:36,078 --> 00:13:37,545 I lost a pin! 319 00:13:37,581 --> 00:13:39,283 Oh, this isn't happening! 320 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:40,023 Hold on. 321 00:13:40,081 --> 00:13:41,455 Wait, what are you doing? 322 00:13:41,983 --> 00:13:42,946 Now your hair's ruined. 323 00:13:43,005 --> 00:13:44,390 So, we'll both be a little off. 324 00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:45,710 Come on, everybody, let's go. 325 00:13:49,591 --> 00:13:51,376 And please step forward... 326 00:13:52,139 --> 00:13:53,172 Charlotte! 327 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:56,519 Ladies and gentlemen, 328 00:13:56,577 --> 00:13:58,092 the judges have unanimously decided 329 00:13:58,127 --> 00:14:00,581 that these five women will... 330 00:14:00,932 --> 00:14:02,814 not be going to the next round! 331 00:14:02,858 --> 00:14:04,948 And you ladies are! 332 00:14:11,006 --> 00:14:11,840 We're going to take a short 333 00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:13,918 break now so our lucky five 334 00:14:13,965 --> 00:14:17,077 can get ready for the Glamour Parade! 335 00:14:20,857 --> 00:14:21,913 Malcolm. Come here. 336 00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:22,512 Malcolm. 337 00:14:22,923 --> 00:14:24,100 Reese, what are you doing? 338 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,738 Dad's been looking all over for you. 339 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:26,710 I'm leaving, Malcolm. 340 00:14:27,596 --> 00:14:28,994 I'm claiming my birthright. 341 00:14:29,862 --> 00:14:30,250 What? 342 00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:31,516 I'm about to become a star, 343 00:14:31,846 --> 00:14:32,868 and from what I understand, 344 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,453 I have to ruthlessly separate myself from 345 00:14:34,511 --> 00:14:35,639 you pathetic hangers-on, 346 00:14:36,378 --> 00:14:38,187 and probably eventually sue your asses. 347 00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,071 Take care, Malcolm. 348 00:14:41,157 --> 00:14:42,043 I'll see you in court. 349 00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:46,418 Well, it may be 70 degrees outside, 350 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,921 with a 20% chance of rain... 351 00:14:51,279 --> 00:14:52,993 ...but it's about to get a lot hotter in here. 352 00:14:53,909 --> 00:14:55,142 Where's Jeanie? 353 00:14:57,618 --> 00:15:00,317 We were all going to wear tiaras for Glamour Parade and... 354 00:15:01,504 --> 00:15:03,075 we're all going to wear tiaras. 355 00:15:05,415 --> 00:15:06,226 Thank you, Jeanie. 356 00:15:09,278 --> 00:15:10,159 Thank all of you. 357 00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:13,151 ...as we present 358 00:15:13,233 --> 00:15:14,572 the Mrs. Tri-County 359 00:15:14,678 --> 00:15:16,321 Glamour Parade. 360 00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:44,112 What's wrong? 361 00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:45,178 What happened? 362 00:15:45,274 --> 00:15:45,873 Usually, 363 00:15:45,932 --> 00:15:48,527 we let the judges decide who gets to wear the tiara. 364 00:15:57,344 --> 00:15:59,869 Ladies and gentlemen, please, remain clam. 365 00:15:59,904 --> 00:16:01,280 There's no reason to panic. 366 00:16:02,510 --> 00:16:03,402 Okay, I'm ready. 367 00:16:04,154 --> 00:16:04,800 For what? 368 00:16:05,011 --> 00:16:06,820 Whatever it is you do with beautiful people. 369 00:16:07,441 --> 00:16:09,143 I'll give you 20% and not a penny more. 370 00:16:09,296 --> 00:16:10,376 You may have to travel because 371 00:16:10,399 --> 00:16:13,593 I'm going to have a house in Miami, Milan, and that Disneyworld in France. 372 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,385 You're welcome to fly my private jet, but I want you to keep it real. 373 00:16:17,139 --> 00:16:18,140 I'd also like a falcon. 374 00:16:18,384 --> 00:16:20,086 What are you talking about? 375 00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,625 I can't do anything with you. 376 00:16:21,859 --> 00:16:23,031 What? Why not? 377 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:23,712 I've read the book, 378 00:16:23,771 --> 00:16:24,427 I measured everything. 379 00:16:24,428 --> 00:16:25,051 I'm perfect! 380 00:16:25,262 --> 00:16:29,407 It's true, you do have the perfect features for a middle-aged woman. 381 00:16:30,675 --> 00:16:31,332 If you want to, 382 00:16:31,379 --> 00:16:32,213 have a sex change, 383 00:16:32,272 --> 00:16:34,658 come back in 20 years and we'll talk. 384 00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:37,573 No, please! 385 00:16:37,691 --> 00:16:38,571 This can't be how it ends. 386 00:16:38,794 --> 00:16:41,612 I'm supposed to have three rocky marriages and die in a hotel fire! 387 00:16:42,446 --> 00:16:43,397 Don't send me home! 388 00:16:43,597 --> 00:16:45,749 I'm too perfect to live like a person! 389 00:16:47,409 --> 00:16:51,213 Okay, people reacted badly to the crown thing, so you gotta nail the talent portion. 390 00:16:51,342 --> 00:16:53,068 Now, I know you think it isn't a talent, 391 00:16:53,127 --> 00:16:54,865 but if you commit, we can make 392 00:16:54,910 --> 00:16:57,646 those oversized Barbies choke on their own batons. 393 00:16:59,454 --> 00:17:00,205 What are you doing? 394 00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:02,025 Where's your top hat and fishnet thigh-highs? 395 00:17:02,084 --> 00:17:03,235 Just get the car and the kids, Hal, 396 00:17:03,317 --> 00:17:04,325 and let's just slink out of here. 397 00:17:04,349 --> 00:17:06,087 Wait, you can't just walk away. 398 00:17:06,134 --> 00:17:07,366 Oh, yes, I can. 399 00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:09,471 This whole thing has been a disaster. 400 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:10,912 I don't belong here. 401 00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:12,897 And I hate the way those women make me feel. 402 00:17:12,918 --> 00:17:14,914 Come on, they're just a bunch of bitter hags. 403 00:17:15,314 --> 00:17:17,101 And I hate the way you've been making me feel. 404 00:17:18,824 --> 00:17:20,151 We may have our ups and downs, Hal, 405 00:17:20,233 --> 00:17:21,314 but this is the first time I ever felt 406 00:17:21,372 --> 00:17:22,899 like I wasn't good enough for you. 407 00:17:25,871 --> 00:17:26,399 You're right. 408 00:17:27,397 --> 00:17:28,055 I'm sorry. 409 00:17:29,569 --> 00:17:32,974 I mean, I know you're perfect, and for once, I wanted the whole world to know it. 410 00:17:33,373 --> 00:17:34,524 Well, that's a nice idea, 411 00:17:34,582 --> 00:17:35,709 but that isn't going to happen. 412 00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:38,187 I don't know why I ever thought I could compete with these women. 413 00:17:38,222 --> 00:17:39,150 Hal, I can't handle them. 414 00:17:39,197 --> 00:17:40,559 I'm out of my league here. 415 00:17:40,887 --> 00:17:42,320 What are you talking about? 416 00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,478 Do you know why those broads pulled that stunt? 417 00:17:45,082 --> 00:17:47,374 They're afraid of you, Lois. 418 00:17:48,252 --> 00:17:49,121 Right now you are surrounded 419 00:17:49,156 --> 00:17:51,035 by a bunch of idiots who fear you. 420 00:17:51,857 --> 00:17:54,866 You're not out of your league, you're at home. 421 00:17:56,801 --> 00:17:58,773 Lois, where have you been? 422 00:17:58,879 --> 00:17:59,736 Come on, let's go. 423 00:17:59,771 --> 00:18:00,194 You're up. 424 00:18:00,218 --> 00:18:01,086 You've got to go. 425 00:18:07,234 --> 00:18:09,183 Whining isn't going to make me go any faster. 426 00:18:10,087 --> 00:18:10,775 Yes! 427 00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,670 And now our third contestant, 428 00:18:13,704 --> 00:18:17,062 Lois, will be accompanied by her lovely daughter, Dewey. 429 00:18:29,882 --> 00:18:30,930 There's Mommy. 430 00:19:58,550 --> 00:19:59,759 Would the new Mrs. 431 00:19:59,818 --> 00:20:02,096 Tri-County like another scoop of fudge ripple? 432 00:20:02,178 --> 00:20:04,703 Well, this sash still has a couple of inches of slack. 433 00:20:04,890 --> 00:20:06,088 Keep it coming. 434 00:20:06,112 --> 00:20:07,438 This is so nice. 435 00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:08,519 Look at this. 436 00:20:08,872 --> 00:20:10,845 A $40 coupon for new tires, 437 00:20:10,927 --> 00:20:14,359 a box of steaks, a label maker! 438 00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:15,765 Oh, this is nice. 439 00:20:15,835 --> 00:20:18,771 I wish Reese wasn't too busy sulking to enjoy it with us. 440 00:20:19,003 --> 00:20:20,069 Give him a little time.